This blog for me may be an evolution and transition from heartbreak to love. I want to explore my writting again. I want to explore my poetry. I am only sharing this with you. I feel lbrave when I share it with you. I can’t dare be this open and honest with the people who know me. That shit is scary.
Love makes me so vulnerable that I run from it. As soon as I wanted to be loved and was ready to love I was stabbed in the heart. So this is my raw emotion. This is me. This is me being vulnerable and fighting everyday to heal and move on and not think of him.
This is my journey of self discovery and LOVING TAMEIKA. <3
It will get better, I pray. I will move on and not think of you while its pitch black and my eyes are shut and my mind should be off. But it’s not… It’s spinning, I’m convincing myself to sleep as that is the only time I dont have to think about you. But you’re in my dreams… making them nightmares.
I keep repeating to myself that you are the loser. I am smart, beautiful, ambitious, funny, creative, caring, full of love… but why is that NOT ENOUGH? Why is that not good enough? Why am I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
I deserve to be loved. Beyond my flaws, beyond my faults, beyond my trauma, beyone my hurt. I deserve to be LOVED. I wanted it to be by you. I deserve to be LOVED. I wanted it to be by you. I wanted it to be by you.
I wanted to love you so hard, you forgot her, you forgot your fears, you forgot the pain. I wanted you to love me so much I was engulfed in you. That my world spun for you. That my heart beat for you.
The problem is you do not love me. That shit is crazy. The chemistry was so strong that a magnet pulled us together. When we kissed my heart hurt because you were so amazing. When we made love. WHEN WE FUCKED, rather. It was so euphoric I cried.
I want to hate you. I can’t, I love you so much. I never told you that this love was so pure. I was too scared but I tried to show you. I wanted to show you something different, be something different….
I was not different. You hate to make me frown, but you would rather see her smile.
Today, it hurts worse than it hurt yesterday. I really believed in the fairy tale and the dream of love and you and me and us and WE. She told me I did not want to know the truth, and the truth came pounding at my door. I did not search for her, I ran from her, but I knew she was coming. Cumming is the best memory I have, but brings a tear to my eye because I thought it to be real, to be true for the connection that we shared to be lifelong. SEX IS NOT LOVE. That is what she said. But for me, sex shows how deep my love runs, how vulnerable I can be. How I can give you a part of my body that I dont even know.
FUCK LOVE. But I want you so bad. I’ve been running from brokenheartedness only patching up the pain. Now the band aids are ripped off and the scars and hurt from the last decade comes flooding out. I just want to be in love. To be loved. To love someone with so much of myself that it hurts… but in a good way.
I thought, I brainwashed myself rather, to see a future with you. To have a family and be so full of love that I do not yearn for it anymore. I played myself because I seen the signs… I seen the flags… I did not stop and I decided to still go. I was so niave and believed you were my FRIEND. How can we be friends and it still has a sour end?
This shit came right out of the blue. A knife that cut so deep that my blood was still blue. A feelings so imense that the only color i see is blue.
I feel like I’m dying. Like this is literal death. If this is what love brings then why would I want it? Why do I cry for it? Why do I feel like I’m dying without it?
I just want to be loved. To love someone so much that it hurts… in a good way.